So basically, in high school I had bulimia and my main target of self hatred was at my hips and thighs. It was during the “thigh gap era” where a gap between your thighs when your knees were touching was idealized. I was counting calories down to the decimal and I never got my thigh gap. Fast forward 6-7 years, graduated from college, no more bulimia, a healthier relationship with food, in a new college for a Vet Tech degree, working out whenever I can make it to the gym, once twice a week, and eating only when I’m hungry. I haven’t been weighing myself or criticizing any parts of myself, and had honestly forgotten about the whole thigh gap trend.. that is until I took a look at myself in the mirror today and realized- I finally have one! And I wasn’t even trying! I guess taking care of yourself has some pretty unexpected benefits :)
@ultramanultimo wanted me to add lens flares on this render. I obliged and I fucked it up completely.
this is someone dying while having an MRI
scan. before you die, your brain releases tons and tons of endorphins
that make you feel a range of emotions. tragically beautiful.
IM BACK [with a new depressing self analyzing vicious thought cycle caused by perpetual stonedness and an adderall addiction]
no one has ANY clue who i am. my close friends yes definitely 6 people out there know weverythjbg there is to know about me and i love that but ALSO the people who i’m using temporarily as friends and adopting as a wall i can talk at to get my excess “me me me” energy out of my system i just realized don’t know a single fucking thing about me. and maybe that’s why it’s so easy to stay they’re friend because they. don’t. know. me. i personified myself into what i thought they’d like and i have stayed that way and maybe that’s why i’m experiencing personality dissonance like i half feel like myself but only when i’m alone and when i’m with them i feel like a chalkboard people cat write what they want of me and i’m just a chalkboard so what they wrote everyone can see and that’s what i look like to them.
also i hallucinate now and half at least 1 other voice in my head that’s not my own
shrugs
it’s like everyone else has found their place and their friends and they all have lives but all i can do is sit in my room and sleep. it’s like i’m losing my youth to my own mind.
Literally heard a convo at the library where a guy was telling a girl that he’s an omega and the girl telling him that she’s a beta, and my mind just did not automatically connect the context to fraternity pledge classes at all and I just whispered to myself “what the fuck?? What the fuck??”